My little Devin, I am waiting. Waiting for something that I know I may not see for days. I am trying to wait patiently, but it's very hard when I used to see it many times every day. I am waiting for your smile to come back.
Before I handed you over to the woman with the surgical mask around her neck, I did my best to smile at you through my tears as we said goodbye. I will never forget the look on your face as she turned to walk you down the hall and you looked back at me with confusion.
When I saw you hours later, a tangled mess of wires and tubes lay on top of you, and blinking boxes beeped and chirped loudly in my ears. It was very hard to watch you writhe in pain as the nurses and doctors did their best to control it. I wish I could give you my voice so you could tell them where it hurt. I wish I could cough the congestion out for you. I wish you didn't have to go through this. I wish you didn't have a hole in your heart.
It feels like another world being tucked away inside this hospital. Time seems to slow down. It's the only time that I wish the days did not last longer with you. I want to hit fast forward and skip over this week so I can take your pain away faster.
Little by little tubes are removed, and your body tells us what to do with the medicine. The doctors tell me your vital signs are how they know you are feeling better, but I don't believe them completely. Somehow your face changes and you become more relaxed and alert over the next few days, but something is missing. You look at me, around me, and through me with those eyes.
Finally, I am able to hold you sixty agonizing hours after I let you go. You still look unsure, like you are wondering where we are, glancing around at all the strange equipment. You sleep through the night for the first time that evening, a good sign. As the rising sun peeks through the window while you sit in my lap I see it...
I see what I have been waiting for...
It's the sign that tells me you are truly feeling better...
You smile at me.
And the smiles keep coming!
Devin's recovery from open heart surgery is going well. The hole repair was a success, and the surgeon even found a second smaller hole that he patched up too. Thank you all for your kind thoughts and prayers. We felt your love, and it warmed our hearts.
***January 2013 update***Devin is doing beautifully. His checks ups have gone very well and he does not need to see the pediatric cardiologist until he is almost one year old. He's full of energy and mischief now that his heart is working properly. You would never know what he went through unless you saw the scar, which simply looks like someone drew a line on his chest with a red marker, which is becoming less noticeable every day. Modern medicine is absolutely amazing!